As due date approaches...
Posted on Fri January 15, 2010 in My Surrogacy Journey
Views: 302
As the sorrow processes through me, I find that the next emotion I'm feeling is
a very intense anger over the magnitude of surro's betrayal. She screwed me so
big time that it boggles my mind. And as if that weren't bad enough, she handled
it so badly. She strung me along. She shut me out. She has NOT ONCE in this
process, made even one decision that was kind towards me or sensitive. Every
step of the way, she has added insult to injury to heartbreak to betrayal. She
didn't even allow me closure. She has been profoundly selfish and self-serving,
every step of the way.
Baby Girl is almost here or she might even
already be here. While I am struggling to heal and pick of the shattered pieces,
surro gets to hold Baby Girl and bask in the joy, without a care in the world
about the devestation she has left behind. And I don't even have the right to
know that baby is born! She is stealing the happiest day of my life and turning
into the saddest day of my life.
My two best friends have had
babies in the past couple of months. We were so happy to finally be sharing
motherhood together.
Now, as Baby Girl's due date approaches and
the reality of how different my life is from the way it was supposed to be sinks
in fully, I'm having a really hard time.
For the past nine months,
Jan 20 has been the day I've looked forward to as the miracle day. Christmas,
Thanksgiving, Hannukah, my birthday, and the 4th of July all rolled into one.
The best day of my life.
Everything was measured by whether it was
before or after that date.
Now, that date is just another day on
the calendar. And it's going to be here in just a couple of days. And even
though I've done what I could legally, the reality is that I will not know when
Baby Girl is born, I will not know how she is, I will not even know her name.
In time, I might, but right now, I'm completely locked out. In the
dark. No closure. No answers. No nothing.
As the due date
approaches and I continue to have no news, I can't help but become angrier and
sadder. No closure. Just dangling, undefined, sad, unanswered questions, a year
of my life, a year-long friendship that was all a lie, a toddler I grew to love
that I will never see again, and a baby that I thought was my daughter that I
may never even meet or know her name. I gave of myself, I gave EVERYTHING I had
to this surrogacy. And it was all a big waste.
It's just so wrong.
And I can do nothing to make it right.
About me
40 / Female
Member since Jul 2009
Profile Views: 1090
Journal Views: 8794
veteran
About Me: A single woman who has been trying to become a mother for 4 years. Four miscarriages and one late term surrogacy loss. I'm 39 years old, a writer, pop-culture enthusiast, closet singer, dog lover. In the past, I have been a filmmaker, punk rock, political/environmental activist, performance artist, physical fitness award winner, singer in a band, hippie, Padres groupie, Duranie, pianist, deaf girl with perfect pitch, feminist, vegetarian, and wedding DJ.
Location: Mountain View, CA
Interests: Fun. Family. Bon Vivance. Singing Karaoke. Watching Softball. Dog parks. Good books. Cinema. Chick Music.
Medical Conditions: Infertility, Repeat Pregnancy Loss, Asthma, Large Vestibular Aquaduct Syndrome, Overweight.
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Haley says:
on January 15, 2010 at 02:54 PM
There's got to be a god out there that protects people against this. Your pain resonates through us all, I am sure. I'm crying with you Stacy. As a person wanting to be a mother, I can't even imagine the pain you are going through but continue to pray and hope somehow, there is still hope.
Anna says:
on January 16, 2010 at 11:35 PM
BIG HUGS Stacy! try to do things to spoil yourself!
Talesa says:
on January 17, 2010 at 05:58 PM
I'm angry about this too! I was SO excited for the baby's arrival! I know it doesn't help much, but at least you know you've got support here and you're not the only angry one about this! Nobody deserves to be in such a situation like what you're in. You have every right to be angry and sad! Just thinking about it totally pisses me off! =( *sigh* Hang in there, Stacy....
lynn says:
on January 17, 2010 at 07:13 PM
Staci, I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through something this terrible. I wish this wasn't so! I hope that by sharing this with us, the support here will help you along the healing process. I am also hoping, against whatever odds, that something results in your favor. From your contributions here, I can tell that you are a wonderful person Staci, and I can't stand the thought of this happening to you. We're here for you Staci!
Vivian says:
on January 27, 2010 at 11:36 PM
sending you all the positive thoughts in the world and hope you get through this stronger than ever!! I hope we still continue to hear from you, let us know the fun things you are up to so we can support you!
Carrie says:
on January 31, 2010 at 11:39 PM
unbelievable!!! how can she do that!!! Just hang in their Stacy, it's really crappy that you are going through this. I just hope you find a way to move on and keep your head high and don't give up on your dreams of having a family, you will be a wonderful mother. Please take care of yourself and keep us informed if this situation takes a turn. I am praying for you!!
Nia says:
on February 14, 2010 at 08:12 PM
I hope you are doing better Stacy. I also hope that you keep trying to have a family. Keep us updated.